Well! Classes are getting more popular here at yogabeans! Word must be spreading. I guess if you jam a bunch of superheroes into the same toy drawer every night they will talk.
Today’s guest teacher is Bendy Marge Simpson. Marge is one of our most advanced teachers. Her yogic knowledge is so deep that her daily practice consists of mixing cake batter in a Tupperware bowl while doing advanced pranayama, which really gets her chakras a-whirlin’.
Welcome, superheroes! Let’s get to work on these two poses, known familiarly as Triangle and Revolved Triangle.
Marge: Okay, everyone! Inhale and jump your feet apart!
Power Ranger: Is this far enough, Marge?
Marge: Oh, that’s very good! Ideally the distance between your feet will be equal to the length of one of your legs. Imagine one of your legs lying on the floor, and then put one foot where the foot would be and the other foot where the bloody stump that fits into your hip joint would be!
Batman: I like your style, Marge.
Marge: Great! Now exhale and turn your right foot out and bring your right hand down as far as you can toward your foot. If you can grab your big toe, that’s terrific! Otherwise, you can rest your hand lightly on your knee and slowly work it down your shin. Bring your left shoulder back and look up at your left hand, which needs to go straight up! Look at your thumb! It will help you stay balanced! Five to eight breaths here.
Hulk: RRRRR! Can’t do pose! Too angry!
Batman: Well, don’t look at me, for Christ’s sake, I can barely move my arms.
Power Ranger: Dudes! Yoga is totally awesome!
Marge: Hulk, do you need me to explain the pose again?
Hulk: Hulk too masculine for yoga!
Marge: Oh, don’t be silly. Look at Batman, he’s very masculine. And Red Power Ranger, you wouldn’t call him feminine, would you?
Hulk: Yes, Hulk would! Red Power Ranger covered in Spandex! Red Power Ranger very, very gay!
Power Ranger: I’m not gay, I’m just from the eighties!
Hulk: Everyone in eighties gay!
Batman: Hell, I was gay in the eighties.
Marge: That’s better, Hulk! Now you’re getting it!
Hulk: Hulk feel like big, green sissy.
Marge: Everyone, use this opportunity to support the balance of masculine and feminine within, strength and ease, hard and soft.
Hulk: Marge too beautiful to have masculine within.
Marge: Tee hee!
Batman: Give it a rest, Greenie.
Marge: Wonderful, gentlemen! Now, inhale back to center . . .
Marge: . . . then rotate your left foot out, exhale your left arm down to your big toe or shin, and look up as you stretch your right arm toward the sky!
Hulk: Hulk only see ceiling.
Batman: It’s a figure of speech, you big, badly dressed homophobe.
Power Ranger: I can see the sky! In my imagination! It’s a big, beautiful blue sky full of fluffy little clouds!
Marge: Hulk, I’m worried you might be over-rotating your neck.
Hulk: HULK WANT TO SEE SKY!
Marge: Hulk, try to find the ease within the work of each pose.
Hulk: Hulk weeping salty tears of frustration. Hulk hate yoga.
Marge: Part of the work of yoga is accepting your body as it is, right now, Hulk. Just breathe into the resistance you’re feeling.
Hulk: Okay. *sigh*
Marge: Let’s inhale back to center, boys, and move on to revolved triangle. It’s the same pose, but with a twist!
Hulk: Marge funny!
Marge: Excellent twisting, everyone! Five to eight breaths, now. Batman, is your cape getting in the way?
Hulk: Capes gay.
Batman: I’ve about had it with you, Frankenstein.
Marge: And inhale back to center . . .
Marge: . . . and rotate your left foot out and twist out over your left leg, starting at the base of your spine and opening your chest, softening your neck, and reaching to place your right hand on the outside of your left foot.
Marge: Hulk, just work on twisting gently from your waist — you seem to have left it behind somehow, and spun your thoractic spine all the way around. How did you do that!
Batman: Mattel. Always cutting corners.
Hulk: Hulk not by Mattel! Hulk high-quality roto-cast poseable figure by ToyBiz.
Batman: Yeah, but do you have a dick?
Marge: And! Rotate back to center! Hulk, you might want to bring your abdomen back around to the front, too.
Power Ranger: Dude, that is weird.
Hulk: Hulk embarrased.
Marge: Jump your feet back together and come to center! Excellent work, boys! I give you a heartfelt namaste.
Batman: Power Ranger, those were some fine triangle poses, I’m impressed. You want to come back to the bat cave and do them again?
Power Ranger: Sure! Will Robin be there?
Hulk: Hulk feeling very left out.
Batman: Well, grow a dick and we’ll talk.