Utthita Parsvakonasana and Parivritta Parsvakonasana

Elastigirl: “Well, it looks like Duke managed to haul all the G.I. Joe Sigma 6 operatives out of their weapons cases and into the shala today. Good work, Duke!”

Duke: “Thanks, Elastigirl.”

From left to right: Storm Shadow, Kamakura, Snake Eyes, Heavy Duty, Duke, and Spirit Iron-Knife.

Elastigirl: “I also see you changed into your skintight underwater ops uniform.”

Duke: “I don’t do baggy.”

Elastigirl: “I’m not complaining! So how’d you get this bunch of assassins to do yoga with you today?”

Duke: “I basically shamed them into it, Elastigirl. I said, You can defuse a ticking bomb in an unpiloted airplane nosediving toward Mt. Kilimanjaro at 700 m.p.h. but you’re AFRAID of YOGA?” Of course, some of them were bound to complain . . .

Storm Shadow: “Aww c’mon, Duke, me and Kamakura finally got a date with Strawberry Shortcake and Mermaid Barbie. We were going to go sit by the window and slowly melt in the sun over the course of several weeks.”

Kamakura: “I washed my loincloth and everything!”

Duke: “While others responded with the dedication and discipline I’ve come to rely on . . .”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “Fuck those assholes and their blueberry-scented girlfriends. Me and Heavy Duty are with you, Duke.”

Heavy Duty: “Fuckin’ A.”

Duke: “Excellent. Snake Eyes?”

Snake Eyes: “Mmmph!”

Elastigirl: “Duke, you’re the man. And so the soft aroma of burning doll hair will have to wait until the men have practiced these two intense side stretches, Utthita Parsvakonasana and Parivritta Parsvakonasana, together, as a team!”

Duke: “Okay, ladies, jump your feet wide apart!”

G. I. Joes: “Sir! Yes, sir!”

Duke: “Turn your right foot out 90 degrees and bend your knee at a right angle! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”

G. I. Joes: “SIR! YES, SIR!”

Duke: “Goddamn right I do! Now stretch those right arms down and plant your right hand on the floor on the outside of your right foot! Then stretch your left arm up over your ear, toward the wall, with your palm facing down! Look up toward your extended palm! THAT’S AN ORDER!”

G. I. Joes: “SIR! YES, SIR!”

Duke: “Kamakura, what the holy bleeding fuck are you doing?”

Kamakura: “Sir! I am attempting to do the pose, sir!”

Duke: “We are not putting on a goddamn Broadway show here, Kamakura. This is not A Chorus Line.”

Kamakura: “Sir! I find I am able to lunge quite deeply but my torso lacks the articulation needed to fold over my bent knee, Sir!”

Duke: “Kamakura, the point of these two poses is to create a line of energy running from your grounded back foot all the way up through your spine and shooting out your fingertips. Like a spear, a warrior’s spear, son! That’s why your pretty little nancy ass is here, because you’re a warrior! Or am I mistaken? Are you or are you not a warrior!”

Kamakura: “Sir! I am a warrior, sir!”

Duke: “Then, Mother of God, start acting like one. Look at Storm Shadow there in front of you, he’s got a nice modification going with his elbow resting on his knee and his left arm stretching up. Try that.”

Kamakura: “Sir! Om shanti, sir!”

Heavy Duty: “Om shanti? What the fuck is that?”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “Om is the sound of the universe, from which all other sounds are formed. Shanti means ‘peace’.”

Heavy Duty: “How in hell do you know that?”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “I’m a mystical motherfucker.”

Heavy Duty: “Daaamn.”

Duke: “Okay, ladies, bring it back to center and get ready to do the same pose on the other side.”

Duke: “Heads center. That includes you, Ali Baba.”

Storm Shadow: “Who are you calling Ali Baba?”

Duke: “You, Mr. Puffy Pants.”

Storm Shadow: “I’m part of a ninja death squad! We all dress like this!”

Duke: “Well, then you all look like you want to be rubbing Aladdin’s lamp for him until it squirts out a genie.”

Kamakura: “Let it go, man. He’s on a power trip.”

Storm Shadow: “I swear, one of these days I’m going to shove my foot straight up his muladhara chakra.”

Duke: “Now, bend those left knees, ladies! Right arms up! Spears of warrior energy!”

G. I. Joes: “Spears of warrior energy, Sir!”

Duke: “Let me hear some breathing, warriors! Slow, steady ujayi breathing! Contract that glottis! I want it to sound like a goddamn Star Wars convention in here! I want to feel like Darth-fucking-Vader is about to crush my windpipe with the power of the goddamn Force!”

G. I. Joes: “Hhhhooooo HHHUUURRRRRRR hhhhhhooooo HHHHUUURRR.”

Duke: “That’s more like it! Damn, I like that sound.”

Duke: “Now, back to center! We will now perform the counter-pose, Parivritta Parsvakonasana! You WILL bend your right knee at a 90 degree angle, and you WILL twist your torso around until your LEFT hand is planted on the OUTSIDE of your RIGHT foot! Am I making myself clear, you lazy-ass bunch of pussywillows?”

Snake Eyes: “Mmph!”

Heavy Duty: “Aw, shit, he knows we can’t do that.”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “You must set your intention and work toward your goal while at the same time remembering aparigraha, non-grasping, non-attachment to results. You must mindfully aim at your target, but then you must let go of the desire to hit the target.”

Heavy Duty: “You are one mystical son of a bitch. Did your mama teach you that?”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “No, I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance in high school.”

Storm Shadow: “I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna show that Duke I can out-pose him any day of the week!”

Kamakura: “I’m with you, man! Balls to the wall!”

Heavy Duty: “Man, that is some fucked-up shit. Kamakura, you look like you twisted so far around you can’t breathe, and Mr. I-Dream-of-Jeannie here is so backward he came around frontward again.”

Duke: “Heavy Duty, return to your position, do not break ranks! I repeat, do not break ranks!”

Heavy Duty: “Yeah, but Duke, look at these guys! I’m sorry, but that just isn’t natural.”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “But it is natural. The first series of ashtanga yoga is completely within the body’s normal range of motion. But in Western society we have allowed our bodies and our minds to stiffen through our dependence on the crutches of convenience. We subsist on the poisonous seed of conditioned existence.”

Duke: “Bravo, soldier, I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “Thank you. My father was the shaman of his tribe.”

Heavy Duty: “I knew it!”

Duke: “Heavy Duty, I’m going to cut you a break. I can see you have a need to approach the poses verbally and intellectually so let’s open up a copy of David Swenson’s Practice Manual and see if we can shed some light.”

Duke: “Now, here we see Mr. Swenson in the finished pose. That’s some goddamn warrior spear energy right there, I tell you what.”

Snake Eyes: “Mmmph!”

Duke: “See how that back foot is grounded? See the way the twist starts at the base of his spine and rotates his torso right around? He’s got his gut tucked in tight and that top arm is long and straight and strong as the stem of a flower.”

Heavy Duty: “Duke, you’re a poet.”

Duke: “I dabble.”

Duke: “Now, here we see Mr. Swenson modifying Parivritta Parsvakonasana — he’s still getting a good twist but instead of getting that hand on the floor he’s put both hands together in namaste position. Perfectly valid way to do the pose.”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “Uh, Duke, I think we got a situation over here . . . ”

Spirit Iron-Knife: ” . . . I think they’re dead.”

Duke: “Sweet Shiva, soldier, how did this happen?”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “I think they held the pose too long.”

Duke: “Damn it! I told them to keep breathing! If you’re twisting so deep you can’t breathe you have to back off! Modify your position! It’s common sense!”

Snake Eyes: “Mmmph.”

Heavy Duty: “They could have gone into child’s pose, there’s no shame in that.”

Spirit Iron-Knife: “Obviously they felt there was. They had too much ego to go through a period of weakness and instability while their bodies opened up. They forced the pose and now they have paid for their grasping egos with their lives.”

Heavy Duty: “Well, they were good soldiers. They didn’t want to take on this mission. They did not do their parsvakonasanas wisely, but they did them without question.”

R.I.P. Storm Shadow and Kamakura: Heroes, or two pussies who couldn’t hack ashtanga yoga? You decide.

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