EXCEPT [...]]]> Greetings, yogabinis! Today’s pose is purvottanasana, which translates from the Sanskrit as “intense Eastern stretch.” In yoga, the front of the body is referred to as the eastern side of the body, so this is a nice counter-pose to pashimottanasana, which stretches the back (or western) side of the body. Hey! Pretty simple.

EXCEPT IT’S NOT. IT’S NOT SIMPLE AT ALL.

Let’s meet today’s students. On the left we have Misty, the leader of the Cerulean City Gym where many of the finest Pokémon are trained, and in the center is Ash Ketchum, the highly regarded Pokémon trainer. On the right we have Iron Man! Thank you all for coming in today!

Misty: Hi! I love yoga. Because I love anything that combines rigorous discipline and cute outfits.

Ash: Wait a minute, I thought we were here to battle Team Rocket! Darn it, and I brought my pokéball and everything.

Iron Man: What’s with the ball?

Ash: It contains only the most explosively talented Pokémon in my collection!

Iron Man: Oh, I get it, all the talent’s in the ball. What do you do?

Ash: I trained this Pokémon! I taught it everything it knows!

Iron Man: So basically, what, you taught some pocket monster to burp fire?

Ash: Let’s see you take off the suit and try to fly, old man.

Iron Man: For your information, “the suit” as you so carelessly refer to it, is stored in my bones, and I control it with my mind. And you do what, again?

Ash: I can command the creature contained in my little ball to eat your face off, and then he’ll experience samadhi, and then everyone around him will experience samadhi because you’re such a jerk and your jerkiness is gone forever.

Elastigirl: Ha ha, quiet down everyone. Let’s take a deep centering breath and begin! Everyone do a vinyasa and come to sitting.

Misty: I’d rather stand?

Ash: Me, too.

Iron Man: Let me show you how it’s done, kids.

Ash: Nice forward bend. Not.

Iron Man: You’re so judgmental.

Misty: Can I help you, Mr. Man? You seem to be losing your balance a little!

Iron Man: Thanks, kid. My nano-psoas must be on the fritz. You wouldn’t happen to have a screwdriver, would you?

Ash: Don’t give it to him, Misty! He’ll just use it to show off his stupid butt.

Iron Man: Gluteus maximus, technically.

Ash: Takes one to know one. Oooh, burn!

Misty: Wow, what a smooth transition to sitting, Mr. Man!

Iron Man: Thanks, Misty.

Misty: *blushes*

Ash: Aw, cut that out!

Misty: Mr. Man, aren’t you hot in that suit?

Iron Man: You’re a little young to be asking me to take it off, sweetheart.

Misty: Oh! No! I didn’t mean anything like that!

Ash: You are the grossest person in the world, ugh! Both of you!

Iron Man: Misty, you can call me Tony, if you want. Here, I’ll take off my mask, it will help you to hear the sonorous depth of my ujjayi breathing.

Iron Man: Ah, much better!

Ash: I like you better with the mask.

Iron Man: Nobody asked you.

Ash: Not that I like you at all.

Iron Man: Keep it up. Balancing the softness of my heart against the irrational fury you’re creating inside of me only brings me closer to total consciousness.

Ash: Yeah, right.

Iron Man: Fantastic comeback! Does Pikachu school teach you how to annoy people to death?

Ash: ARGH I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Iron Man: Snake Eyes! Nice. Way to ninja your way into yoga class.

Snake Eyes: I got your back, man. That punk needs to learn a little pratyahara.

Elastigirl: So! Snake Eyes has lifted directly into purvottanasana. Let’s take a look at what he’s doing so everyone else can give it a try. With his hands apart on the floor behind him, Snake eyes has pointed his toes, lifted his pelvis, and dropped his head back to uncoil the spine. He’s working his toes toward the floor while he releases his buttocks, opens his heart to the sky,  and melts his shoulderblades together down his back. Not as simple as it appears to be! But his breath is strong and smooth, inspiring and connecting him to those practicing around him.

Ash: Big deal. I can do that.

Iron Man: You could if you weren’t a solid mass of molded plastic.

Ash: I’m not! I’m a real boy!

Iron Man: So that was awesome, dude.

Snake Eyes: Thanks, man. It’s just part of my practice.

Ash: Mr. Snake Eyes, how long have you been practicing yoga?

Snake Eyes: Punk, how long haven’t I been practicing yoga?

Ash: I don’t get it.

Snake Eyes: I live in yoga. Everything I do is a yoga. You get that?

Ash: Oh.

Iron Man: Don’t bother with him, he thinks all the power of the universe resides in his magic ball.

Snake Eyes: Yeah, actually, I wouldn’t mess with the ball.

Iron Man: What? Really?

Snake Eyes: I’ve seen what those things can do, man. It’s not pretty.

Iron Man: Like what? Tell me.

Snake Eyes: Hang on, Sherlock, the girl’s coming over!

Misty: Mr. Eyes, I just wanted to say how motivating that was. You really know how to make something difficult look easy.

Snake Eyes: Well, thank you very much, little lady. All credit goes to my teachers, of course, and those before them.

Misty: Don’t be so modest, your disarming blend of strength and ease is a real inspiration to me. That sort of approach could save us a lot of burned out Pokémon!

Ash: Jeez, what’s the big deal? He never even left the floor! Levitate a little and maybe I’ll be impressed.

Misty: Ash, you’re just jealous!

Ash: I’m not jealous, I’m bored. This is dumb. C’mon, Misty, let’s go kill something!

Snake Eyes: This kid needs to calm his shit down.

Iron Man: Can you distract him? I want to see what’s in that pokéball!

Snake Eyes: Don’t do it, man! Nothing good will come of it.

Iron Man: Argh, I’m blind! Who changed the camera’s flash setting?!

Ash: I’m going to throw down this pokéball and let the mayhem begin!

Iron Man: There isn’t a weapon on earth that I can’t master. This will be cake! Will my hubris foreshadow my downfall? Let’s find out . . .

Ash: Now you guys will respect me!

Ash: Gotcha! Ha, ha, Metal Man, got your face! GOT YOUR WHOLE HEAD, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

Misty: Ash, no!

Ash: BOO-YA.

Lego Slave Princess Leia: Put down the head, meatball.

Ash: What? No.

Lego Slave Princess Leia: Do it or I’ll blast you to Cloud City and let Lando turn you into graphite topiary. Or, I know an Ewok that will eat you for lunch. Your choice.

Ash: Oh, right, lady, what’s that gun going to do, shoot a grain of space sand at my shoe?

Lego Slave Princess Leia: This? This is a Space Magnum .44, the most powerful handgun in nine galaxies. It’ll blow your head clean off. So what you want to be asking yourself is, Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Lego Slave Princess Leia: Just kidding, I stunned him. He’ll be out for about nine days, but when he wakes up his karma will be clean as a whistle.

Elastigirl: Well, that was unexpected. It’s a good time to remind ourselves that yoga can teache us to ride the waves of intense experiences without being crushed by them.

Lego Slave Princess Leia: Oh, you know what? I forgot, there’s a little girl in Brooklyn who wants this guy dead. Let me take care of that right now.

Elastigirl: Join us next time on yogabeans! when we explore the next seated pose in the primary series of ashtanga yoga, ardha baddha padma pashimottanasana, or bound half lotus forward bend! Until then, stay flexible everybody!

Sulu: “Well, here we are on three-day leave and the only place Spock would beam us down to is some godforsaken planet that looks like a . . . a yoga studio.”

McCoy: “Well, according to your medical records, neither of you have had any exercise in nearly twelve years. Maybe a little [...]]]>

Sulu: “Well, here we are on three-day leave and the only place Spock would beam us down to is some godforsaken planet that looks like a . . . a yoga studio.”

McCoy: “Well, according to your medical records, neither of you have had any exercise in nearly twelve years. Maybe a little yoga’d do you good.”

Scotty: “I’VE BEEN BUSY, MAN! THA’ ENGINE’S READY TO FLY APART AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION! I SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT KEEPING THE SHIP RUNNING WITH THE SHEER FORCE OF MY ANXIETY!”

McCoy: “Jesus! I’m not deaf, Scotty. Sulu, what’s your excuse?”

Sulu: “Uh, I’m just really baked most of the time?”

McCoy: “I appreciate your honesty, fellas, but if we’re going to work off that karma from when we stole that Romulan cloaking device, we’d better find a yoga teacher, stat!”

Nero: “May I be of assistance?”

Sulu: “Holy shit, where’d you come from?”

Scotty: “Ye canna sneak up on men like that, brandishin’ yer weapon, without expectin’ retribution ye great alt-hippie freak!”

McCoy: “This may look like a simple clipboard, but it can cut a pointy-eared kook like you in half!”

Nero: “Please, remain calm. I am Nero. I am here to teach the 10:30 intermediate class.”

Sulu: “Oh. Awesome.”

Scotty: “But we’re abject beginners, we’ll never survive an intermediate class!”

Sulu: “Dude, we can try.”

Scotty: “Set yer phaser to kill, Sulu, it’s the only way to keep this madman away from our chakras!”

Nero: “I have mats you can borrow if you didn’t bring your own.”

Sulu: “Cool. Thanks, man.”

Scotty: “Mats?! What sort of New Age transcendental flying carpet ride are we about to go on??”

Sulu: “Uh, maybe we’ll try it without the mats.”

McCoy: “Scotty, I don’t normally advise people do recreational drugs, but I really think you should smoke this.”

Scotty: “What the hell is that?”

McCoy: “It’s Vulcan ginkgo.”

Scotty: “Where did you get it from? There’s no greenery for miles!”

McCoy: “It’s from my stash. Be cool.”

Scotty: “I’m surrounded by drug addicts!”

Nero: “I need to ask you all to lay down your weapons and take a seat. Today we’re going to practice pashimottanasana, which is a seated forward bend.”

Nero: “You’re going to want to reach the feet, the heart, and the crown of the head forward to elongate the spine, while simultaneously extending the shoulder blades and the heads of the femurs backward. You also want to release your buttocks.”

Sulu: (snickering) “Dude, you definitely don’t want me releasing my buttocks.”

McCoy: “Don’t tell me you ate that pizza that had been sitting out on the bridge all night?”

Sulu: “I love cold pizza, man.”

Scotty: “Don’t ye dare let yer ass poison muck up the atmosphere, I was just goin’ to take a deep breath, ye great selfish git!”

Nero: “One thing this pose lets you work on is surrender. It’s not about conquering the hamstrings, but about letting go. To breathe into and release the hamstrings can be very upsetting. We store many powerful emotions, such as suppressed anger, competitiveness, and fear of inadequacy, in our hamstring muscles.”

McCoy: “Well, I’ll be dipped. All this time I thought I was storing my folksy wisdom in my hamstrings.”

Sulu: “I’m becoming one with my colon!”

Scotty: “I can’t touch my toes!”

McCoy: “. . . and I’m out.”

Scotty: “Oh, God, the ass poison!”

Sulu: “Sorry, guys.”

Nero: “How dare you release your ass poison in my class! Now I’m going to poke you.”

Sulu: “Harsh.”

Scotty: “Don’t ye poke Sulu! If a man has to release his ass poison, then he has no choice but to release it!”

Nero: “He must learn to control his anus. If you can control your anus, you can keep the life force from leaking out at the base of your spine.”

Scotty: “Well, be that as it may, I — uh, what?”

Nero: “Maybe I should try to avoid getting too esoteric in beginner classes.”

Scotty: “Who’re you callin’ a beginner, Sparky?”

Nero: “Uh, didn’t you say that you . . . ?”

Scotty: “I’ll teach ye to surrender yer buttocks and bind up yer anus! What a contradictory load of claptrap.”

Nero: “Well, it’s less of a contradiction than it is an opportunity to play with opposing forces.”

Scotty: “Great leaping Shiva, man! How can ye be so calm? I’ve go a laser set to Kill pointed straight at yer balls!?”

Nero: “Are you kidding me? If I survived the reviews for The Hulk, I can make it through anything.”

Sulu: “Dude is enlightened.”

McCoy: “Next time on yogabeans! we’ll be talking about purvottanasana, the “intense eastern stretch.” Come on back, y’all hear?”

Nero’s dialogue quotes Gregor Maehle’s Ashtanga Yoga Practice & Philosophy.

Batman: “Aren’t you Ric Flair, the former world heavyweight champion wrestler?”

Ric Flair: “I am.”

The Wasp: “I adore wrestlers. So virile.”

Batman: “I thought Ghost Rider was supposed to teach this class today.”

Ric Flair: “Supposedly he had car trouble, [...]]]>
Ric Flair : “Good morning everyone, thanks for joining me here today.”

Batman: “Aren’t you Ric Flair, the former world heavyweight champion wrestler?”

Ric Flair: “I am.”

The Wasp: “I adore wrestlers. So virile.”

Batman: “I thought Ghost Rider was supposed to teach this class today.”

Ric Flair: “Supposedly he had car trouble, but I think he just wanted to spend the weekend at Esalen.”

The Wasp: “I adore Esalen. So relaxing.”

Ric Flair: “Today we’ll be learning dandasana, which in English means “staff pose.”

The Wasp: “Does that mean it’s a pose for employees only? Ha ha! That’s my little joke.”

Batman: “Ric, can you teach me how to do a piledriver after this?”

Ric Flair: “I’ve retired from professional wrestling, I’m afraid, but I’ll be teaching pilates at 11:15.”

Batman: “Pilates is dumb.”

The Wasp: “I adore pilates.”

Ric Flair: “Pilates is wonderful for both men and women, Batman. You’d be surprised at the benefits you’d feel after only one class.”

Batman: “How about an atomic drop?”

Ric Flair: “Since dandasana is a seated pose, we’ll do a vinyasa and then jump through to sitting.”

The Wasp: “Of course.”

Batman: “I have no idea what you just said.”

Ric Flair: “Don’t worry, I’ll talk you through it! Inhale your arms up and fill your lungs with your deepest breath.”

The Wasp: *coughing* “Oh, I’m dying for a cigarette.”

Batman: “You smoke?!”

The Wasp: “It’s natural, darling, it’s from the earth!”

Batman: “Yeah, well, so is uranium.”

The Wasp: “Oh, I would never smoke uranium, they use it to make bombs.”

Batman: “Oh my GOD.”

Ric Flair: “And exhale and bend forward.”

The Wasp: “Do I have to? My feet are killing me, these shoes pinch so.”

Ric Flair: “Normally we practice yoga in bare feet, it’s much more grounding.”

The Wasp: “I detest the ground, there’s dog poo everywhere! Also, these shoes are permanently molded onto my feet so that even with this short, boyish haircut my femininity is never in question.”

Batman: “Femininity is just a social construct built by the patriarchy in order to reinforce women’s “otherness” and make it simpler to rationalize male privilege and dominion.”

The Wasp: “Yes, darling, and how do you explain those flippers you’re wearing? Are you dominating the fish as well?”

Batman: “Okay, whatever.”

Ric Flair: “And inhale and arch your back up . . .”

Batman: “Hey, how come I’m the only one bending over?”

The Wasp: “I can’t bend, I’m wearing my bulletproof suit.”

Batman: “To a YOGA class?”

The Wasp: “Don’t laugh, darling, just last week Raven almost had her secret identity revealed by a rogue shiatsu therapist while she was having her energetic body recharged.”

Batman: “You people speak an entirely different language than I do.”

Ric Flair: “Hey, look! We all jumped through to sitting without me providing a lengthy explanation!”

The Wasp: “The internet, it’s just magical.”

Ric Flair: “Okay, now, dandasana looks really simple but there’s actually a lot going on here. You want to sit up straight with your legs together. Flex your feet and keep them flat as though you’re standing on the floor, then engage your leg muscles and roll your thighs gently inward but without going pigeon-toed. Engage and lift your groin, pull your bellybutton toward your spine, expand your chest, let your shoulders drop, and put your hands flat on the floor on either side of your hips. Then, while your spine elongates and reaches up out of the grounding of your hips, relax your neck and tilt your chin down until it rests on your chest.”

Batman: “Is he fucking kidding me?”

The Wasp: “Darling, let the pose teach you.”

Batman: “You’re part of his diabolical scheme, aren’t you?”

The Wasp: “I’m far too self-centered to be diabolical. Listen to me: you must direct your energy toward the completed pose, even if you can’t do it yet. Work hard and do your best and then LET GO! Let go of your need for results, for perfection, just be in your body.”

Batman: “You know, you’d be able to move like a normal human being if that suit were made out of Spandex.”

The Wasp: “You’re deflecting, Batman. Let your breath fall in love with the shape of your body! Breeeathe.”

Batman: *sigh*

The Wasp: “Bigger sighs! Big, cleansing sighs!”

Batman: *SIGH*

Cody Rhodes: “Excuse me, is this the 9:00 a.m. flow class?”

Ric Flair: “No, it’s beginning — hey, you look familiar. What’s your name, son?”

Cody Rhodes: “Cody Rhodes, sir, and I — wait, are you Ric Flair?!”

Ric Flair: “You’re Dusty Rhodes’ son! What a small world. I used to wrestle against your father!”

Batman: “Need a hand, Ric?”

Ric Flair: “Oh, no thanks, Batman! This is Cody, he’s the son of an old friend. Well, actually, a former arch-enemy, but those days are past and we’ve all grown older and wiser.”

Cody Rhodes: “Not by a long shot, old man! My dad may be old and fat but he still has a beef with you and now I’m going to settle the score by drowning you in a pool of your own traitor blood!”

Batman: “Uh, Ric?”

Ric Flair: “Oh, Cody, I can feel the warmth of your heart with my forehead. Don’t let it turn cold with hatred for me. My feud with your father is over, we’ve buried the hatchet.”

Cody Rhodes: “No, I dug that hatchet up! And now I’m going to bury it in your brain!”

Ric Flair: “Oh, Cody, your voice is so hoarse. Let me transfer some prana into your throat chakra.”

Batman: “Screw that. Tag me, Ric. I’ll take care of this clown.”

Batman: “Take this, sucker!”

Cody Rhodes: “Are you wearing flippers?”

Batman: “Oh, shit! My hamstring!”

Cody Rhodes: “Ha ha! I have prevailed by kicking both of your weak old man asses! Now I will knock you out with a lethal Cobra Clutch Slam and finish this match!”

The Wasp: “You forgot about me, little boy.”

Cody Rhodes: “Wha–? A hot flying fairy?!”

The Wasp: “With KILLER SHOES!”

Whap!

Thud!

Ric Flair: “You were defeated by your own ego today, Cody Rhodes. I hope you learned a lesson here: not that women can fly, but that you can bring your attention to even minor fluctuations of energy in your body and thus sense the intentions of others around you. Also, I want you to know that there’s a fall special, if you pay for ten classes you get two extra for free. See Gail at the desk for more details.”

Cody Rhodes: “Curse you and your yogic teachings, Ric Flair!”

Ric Flair: “Thanks for your help, Batman.”

Batman: “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I guess my hips are still pretty tight from sitting around the Bat Cave listening to the police scanner day and night.”

Ric Flair: “With consistent practice you’ll see some surprising changes, not just in your body but in your entire life.”

Batman: “Yeah, but I still wish you’d teach me a figure four leglock.”

Ric Flair: “There are plenty of other people who could teach you that move. It’s funny, I feel as though something’s wrong. Did I leave the stove on?”

Batman: “Uh-oh.”

Cody Rhodes: “Take that, nature fag!”

Cody Rhodes: “Boo-yah!”

Batman: “You are such a dick.”

Cody Rhodes: “If by ‘dick’ you mean TOTALLY AWESOME, then yes! I am a complete dick!”

Batman: “And why do you apes always hit each other with folding chairs?”

Cody Rhodes: “Because they’re emblematic of the cheap, outlaw culture most wrestling fans seek to emulate, motherfucker!”

Batman: “Ouch.”

Cody Rhodes: “Whoa, quit sneaking up on me like that, fly lady. You know, just because you’re old enough to be my mom doesn’t mean we can’t get it on.”

The Wasp: “Yes, Cody, but I’m afraid we come from different worlds. I am a dazzling socialite superheroine, and you are sexy, brutal trash. Also, as an insect my lifespan is necessarily short. I must sting you and then die without ever having been disabused of the notion that femininity is innate.”

The Wasp: “Alas.”

Ric Flair: “Please join us again at yogabeans! when we explore the next seated pose in the ashtanga yoga primary series, the four variations on paschimottanasana, the seated forward bend. Woo!”

Storm Shadow: “Sir, my name is Storm Shadow, sir!”

Aquaman: “I see. I also see that standing may be a challenge for you. How’d [...]]]>
Aquaman: “Good morning, everyone, namaste! I’m Aquaman and I’ll be teaching class this morning, we’ll be learning Virabhadrasana, the Warrior pose. Would you please come to standing, Mr. Ninja?”

Storm Shadow: “Sir, my name is Storm Shadow, sir!”

Aquaman: “I see. I also see that standing may be a challenge for you. How’d you lose your foot, soldier?”

Storm Shadow: “A bulldog puppy chewed it off at the ankle, sir!”

Aquaman: “I’m so sorry. I feel your pain for I, too, am an amputee.”

Silver Surfer: “How did you lose your arm, Guru?”

Aquaman: “You know how kids are. Pop the arm off, pop it back on, pop the arm off, pop it back on. Until one day . . . it just wouldn’t stay on anymore.”

Storm Shadow: “Jesus God, sir! That’s inhuman!”

Aquaman: “I’ve accepted it. And now, thanks to yoga, my remaining arm is super buff!”

Aquaman: “Okay, inhale and raise your arms up! Storm Shadow, is it possible for you to bring your arms closer together?”

Storm Shadow: “Not when I’m desperately trying to remain balanced on one foot, sir!”

Silver Surfer: “I would lend you my magnetic surf board but there’s a chance that if you stepped onto it, it would absorb your energy and imprison you for all eternity.”

Storm Shadow: “Oh, yeah, I . . . that’d be a drag. Thanks anyway, man.”

Aquaman: “Now exhale and bend forward. If you need to bend your knees slightly in order to get your hands on the ground and release your lower back, go ahead.”

Storm Shadow: “Aw, man, a little bit of something just fell off me. Damn that puppy! I’ll never be the same again!”

Aquaman: “Let’s take another breath here so you can relax into the stretch.”

Storm Shadow: “ARRRGHH! KILL THE PUPPIES! KILL ALL THE PUPPIES!!!@#%$&*&#!”

Aquaman:: “And exhale and float your feet back!”

Silver Surfer: “White ninja, you have to relax.”

Storm Shadow: “No shit, Sherlock.”

Silver Surfer:: “My observation offends you. I’m sorry.”

Aquaman: “Now, gentlemen, I’d like you to inhale, press your hands down, firm your legs, lift your chest, lower your shoulder blades, stretch open your throat, soften your third eye, close your anus, and draw your perineum gently inward . . .”

Aquaman: “. . . then exhale and push back into downward-facing dog!”

Storm Shadow:: “Dude, it’s okay. I think I must have post-traumatic stress disorder or something. Seriously, sometimes it takes the littlest thing to set me off, I just snap.”

Silver Surfer: “I have heard tales from others who have been left behind by their comrades, abandoned on the floor when the child goes to school and the puppy comes searching, it’s destructive baby teeth as sharp and as ruthless as razors.”

Storm Shadow: “OH, GOD, THE LITTLE TEETH! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!”

Aquaman: “Now, plant your left foot at a 45-degree angle and bring your right foot up between your hands, then bend your right knee and inhale your arms up. Storm Shadow, I’ll give you a hand to help you stay balanced.”

Storm Shadow: “Thank you, sir.”

Aquaman: “Is your stump tender?”

Storm Shadow: “Permission to speak freely, sir?”

Aquaman: “Of course.”

Storm Shadow: “My stump hurts like shit, sir.”

Aquaman: “Then in this case I’d say it would be appropriate for you to take some pressure off your back leg. You can either come down to a low lunge with your left knee on the floor, or firm your thigh and bring your right knee slightly past 90 degrees over your right foot. Too far will cause injury over time, but until you toughen up your stump or find a good prosthesis, let’s just be sensible and not cause you any more pain.”

Storm Shadow: “Okay, but do you have to put your hand inside my sash?”

Aquaman: “Whoops, did I just do that? Tee hee.”

Silver Surfer: “I knew the homosexual subtext would show up eventually.”

Storm Shadow: “The WHAT?”

Aquaman: “Now, rotate your feet until they’re parallel and keep your gaze on your thumbs as you inhale around to the other side.”

Storm Shadow: “No way, man. Sir, I mean. I can’t do that.”

Aquaman: “No? What are you feeling right now?”

Storm Shadow: “Uh, panic, basically. I can’t move.”

Aquaman: “Then we’ll just go slowly. Can you straighten your knee?”

Storm Shadow” “NO, I CAN’T STRAIGHTEN MY KNEE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I’M FUCKING PANICKING HERE!”

Silver Surfer: “I rotated my feet around quite smoothly. I’m doing a splendid job over here all by myself without any assistance.”

Aquaman: “No one’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to do here. You’re in charge, okay?”

Storm Shadow: “Yes, sir, thank you. Sorry for the rude language, sir.”

Aquaman: “It’s not a problem. Do you want to continue, or would you rather just take child’s pose for a little while and see if this feeling passes?”

Storm Shadow: “Child’s pose? If you don’t mind me saying, sir, that sounds kind of weak.”

Silver Surfer: “Child’s pose is simply a resting pose. There’s no shame in that.”

Aquaman: “Thank you, Silver Surfer, yes, exactly.”

Storm Shadow: “Fuck that, I’m not moving!”

Aquaman: “Silver Surfer, if you’d like to continue on to the other side, go ahead.”

Silver Surfer: “Alright, though I’m quite willing to wait. I enjoy holding poses for endlessly long periods of time.”

Storm Shadow: “I like you, man, but quit fucking showing off.”

Silver Surfer: “Hmm-hmm hmmmm, la la laaa . . .”

Storm Shadow: “QUIT HUMMING, YOU ASSHOLE!”

Aquaman: “Okay, ready? You’re just going to inhale and switch over to facing the wall like Silver Surfer.”

Storm Shadow: “I can do this, I can do this, I CAN DO THIS! GAARRRARRRGH!!!”

Aquaman: “Well done! You marshalled a tremendous amount of conscious intention to do that! I’m really proud of you.”

Storm Shadow: “Thank you, sir! Actually, I totally checked out of my body, but I’m back now.”

Aquaman: “Where did you go, in your mind, while you shifted into this pose?”

Storm Shadow: “I focused on beating the crap out of Board Boy over there, and that gave me the strength I needed.”

Silver Surfer: “Don’t get to comfortable, Parachute Pants, we’re going into Warrior II.”

Aquaman: “Now I want you to exhale your arms down to parallel with the floor and readjust your stance slightly, tucking under your sacrum . . .”

Storm Shadow: “My what?”

Aquaman: “Your butt. Then relax your shoulders, keep your chin level, ground your feet, engage your lower belly . . .”

Silver Surfer: “. . . and think about all the puppies you want to kill.”

Storm Shadow: “Bring it on, Slick. We’ll see who’s the real silverback in this sticky mat jungle.”

Aquaman: “Go ahead and use me to lean on if you’re having trouble keeping your balance. I’m quite strong enough to take your full weight, if need be.”

Storm Shadow: “Oh, okay. Thanks.”

Silver Surfer: “Tee hee!”

Storm Shadow:: “Shut it, ice pick.”

Aquaman: “Now, rotate your feet and take the other side. Five breaths. Uddiayna bandha!”

Storm Shadow: “English, please?”

Aquaman:” Uddiyana bandha is an internal energy lock you engage while in this pose. Visualize a point about two inches below your belly button and try to draw it in and up.”

Storm Shadow: “No sweat. I’ve got killer abs.”

Silver Surfer: “N00b.”

Aquaman: “I’m just going to help you stay balanced here.”

Storm Shadow: “Uh, thank you , sir. You’ve been very kind.”

Aquaman: “It’s my pleasure.”

Storm Shadow: “What’s that cologne you’re wearing?”

Aquaman: “I don’t typically wear cologne, just in case anyone in the class is allergic, but today I used a little Old Spice shampoo.”

Storm Shadow: “It — it reminds me of Cobra Commander.”

Aquaman: “I hope that’s a good thing, soldier.”

Storm Shadow: “Oh, Daddy!” *sob* “Don’t go!”

Aquaman: “And! Pinwheel your arms down to your mat and then straighten them into up-dog!”

Silver Surfer: “That was very touching, young warrior.”

Storm Shadow: “Fuck you. Leave me alone.”

Silver Surfer: “I mean it. I’m sorry if I made things difficult for you earlier.”

Storm Shadow: “Just forget it.”

Silver Surfer: “It’s wonderful to see you getting in touch with a deeper, gentler, more receptive energy.”

Storm Shadow: “Jesus, I thought you were better than this. Just quit it with the gay stuff! I’m in a really vulnerable place right now AND I DO NOT NEED YOUR JUVENILE INNUENDO.”

Aquaman: “And lift your hips back into down-dog for one long, slow breath . . .”

Silver Surfer: “If you want to spend the afternoon curled up in Aquaman’s arm, that’s none of my affair.”

Storm Shadow: “God, you’re going to get it. When you least expect it, too.”

Aquaman: “And jump through to sitting! Well done, gentlemen!”

Storm Shadow: “Ugh! Man, my stump is barking!”

Silver Surfer: “Much like the puppy that chewed it off, I expect.”

Storm Shadow: “I — what? I can’t believe you actually made that lame-ass joke.”

Silver Surfer: ” ‘Lame’? Me? Oh, that’s very amusing.”

Storm Shadow: “Aquaman, sir, are we done yet? Can I go?”

Silver Surfer: “Alright, I’m sorry. Let’s let bygones be bygones.”

Storm Shadow: “Right.”

Silver Surfer: “No, I mean it. Let’s go sit by the statue of Ganesha and cuddle.”

Storm Shadow: “I hope you choke on a chickpea brownie.”

The other thing is, I went on a [...]]]> I meant to post this brilliant and inspiring image months ago, it’s a handmade birthday card I received from the perilously inevitable Antonia, and if you find the caption at all mysterious, a certain amount of enlightenment may be obtained here.

The other thing is, I went on a yoga retreat this weekend, and at one point we were all sitting around a swimming hole drawing cards from the Voyager Tarotdeck, and I got the four of cups: the ANGER card. I have thus been advised to channel my anger into creative enterprises.

Which pretty much explains this site’s existence.

Naruto: “Awesome! I’m Naruto Uzumaki. According to Wikipedia, I’m a [...]]]>
Karai: “Good morning. I’m Karai, and I’ll be teaching your class. I am the highest-ranking member of the Foot Clan, archrivals of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Also, these are my weapons and that’s my extra head.”

Naruto: “Awesome! I’m Naruto Uzumaki. According to Wikipedia, I’m a loud, hyperactive, adolescent ninja who constantly searches for approval and recognition, as well as to become Hokage, acknowledged as the leader and strongest of all ninja in the village.”

Karai: “You may benefit from harnessing the powerful energetic effect of today’s pose, then. Today we will be practicing utkatasana, a deep pose that allows you to explore opposing forces as you allow your weight to sink deeply toward the earth while simultaneously letting your heart float lightly toward the sky.”

Naruto: “Oh, man, I loves me some physical conundrums.”

Playmobil Pirate #5780: “Avast! A yoga class full o’ ninjas! That’s a sight for sore eyes. Polly! Mr. Peaches! Watch the raft while I join yonder class and try to capture a little prana, hee hee!”

Karai: “Let’s begin. Everyone inhale and stretch your arms toward the sky. Pirate, normally we ask everyone to leave their weapons at the door. We are creating a safe place for you to engage with yourself and your fellow yogis.”

Pirate: “I’ll be thankin’ ye to let me hold onto me cutlass, missy. There are terrible monsters about and I wouldn’t like to be seein’ ye lose that pretty head of yours.”

Naruto: “Pssst, dude! She has an extra head.”

Pirate: “Arrr, that’s some powerful sorcery, by cracky! Ain’t ye be fearin’ her witchcraft?”

Naruto: “Nah. Well, a little. Okay, she scares the shit out of me. But I’m trying to work through it by breathing into my third chakra.”

Karai: “Now, exhale and try to place your hands flat on the floor.”

Pirate: “Arrgh! Me back!”

Karai: “You can try bending your knees slightly to take pressure off of your lower back.”

Pirate: “Me legs are stiff as two yardarms, lassie, but I’ll try directin’ me breath to me kidneys. It’s the only way!”

Karai: “And continue your vinyasa by arching up, then jumping back into plank, and scooping up into urdhva mukha svanasana.”

Naruto: “Dude, do you have any idea what she’s talking about?”

Pirate: “Aye, I’ve been practicing ashtanga yoga for twenty-five years.”

Naruto: “TWENTY-FIVE YEARS?! Dude, you’ve got like four moveable joints in your whole body, what’s the point?”

Pirate: “Watch it, laddie. My joints may be stiff but I could snap your neck with my kundalini.”

Karai: “Now, with your knees deeply bent as though you’re about to sit down, inhale your arms up, bring your hands together, and look at your thumbs.”

Pirate: “Bend your knees, boy! Yer lucky to have ‘em! And move your elbows together or I’ll run ye through with me sword!”

Naruto: “Dude, it’s kind of hard to relax and concentrate when someone’s threatening to stab you.”

Pirate: “Arrgh! Yer finally graspin’ the contradictory nature of yoga itself!”

Naruto: “This sucks. Plus, my thighs are on fire.”

Pirate: “Five to eight breaths, boy. Mr. Peaches! Yer presence is requested, ye banana-hoarding little beast!”

Pirate: “Mr. Peaches here is a bodhisattva, don’t ye know — a perfectly evolved being who sacrificed nirvana to reincarnate in this form and aid humanity. Taught me everything I know about pranayama, the little imp. So stay in that pose or I’ll send him back over here to rip out yer throat.”

Naruto: “Man, this is hardcore.”

Pirate: “Dum-te-dum-te-dee, a pirate’s life for meeee!”

Karai: “Release the pose and exhale forward . . .”

Naruto: “Thank you, God.”

Karai: “. . . and go ahead and jump back . . .”

Karai: “. . . vinyasa into downward-facing dog . . .”

Pirate: “Arrgh! The Kraken! Ye vile demon, we meet again!”

Karai: “. . . and come back to standing. Good work.”

Pirate: “Mmmph! Mmmph!”

Naruto: “Wow, thanks. That really sucked there for a minute, but now I really feel loose and strong in my arms!”

Karai: “That effect sometimes occurs when the arms have been raised for a short time; bringing them back down lets the blood flow back into them, re-energizing them and preparing them for the next pose.”

Naruto: “That’s amazing.”

Karai: “That’s yoga.”

Pirate: “What’s amazing is that I’m bein’ dragged out t’sea and you two are jaw-bonin’ about yer arms! Help me, ye navel-gazin’ scalliwags!”

Naruto: “”Did you hear something?”

Karai: “No mercy, no power but its own controls it. Panting and snorting like a mad battle steed that has lost its rider, the masterless ocean overruns the globe.”

Naruto: “Hey, is that from Moby Dick?”

Karai: “It is.”

Pirate: *glub*

Click the photo to watch episode one: “Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Vibrations.”

Mr. Freeze: “As soon as I can think of a diabolical response to that question, I will impart it to you, web-slinging do-gooder.”
Flash: “Dude, is this floor made out of an old fence or [...]]]>
Spiderman: “I thought we’d have class outside today on this rustic wood plank. Any objections?”

Mr. Freeze: “As soon as I can think of a diabolical response to that question, I will impart it to you, web-slinging do-gooder.”
Flash: “Dude, is this floor made out of an old fence or something?”
Woody: “Don’t fence me in! Ha, ha!”
Green Lantern: “Oh my god, I think I’m in the wrong class.”

Spiderman: “Today’s pose is ardha baddha padmottanasana.”
Mr. Freeze: “Look at us when you’re speaking! You are very rude! What are these foreign terms you flaunt before us?”
Flash: “It’s Sanskrit, freezer face.”
Woody: “I know! Golly! It means “half bound lotus standing forward bend”!
Spiderman: “Right, Woody! And also, just so everyone knows, ah, my neck is broken.”

Spiderman: “Okay, I’m going to demonstrate the pose. Inhale and bring your right foot up to your left thigh, then bring your arm around your back and with your right hand grab the big toe of your right foot.

Mr. Freeze: “This is madness!”
Flash: “My knees don’t bend.”
Woody: “Mine, neither.”
Green Lantern: “Mine do but I don’t want to show off and make you guys feel bad. Also, I look fabulous standing here like this.”

Spiderman: “Then exhale and bend forward, still holding onto your toe, keeping your standing leg strong, and placing your left palm flat on the floor.”

Mr. Freeze: ” . . . ”
Flash: ” . . . ”
Woody: ” . . . ”
Green Lantern: ” . . . ”

Mr. Freeze: “Are you going to kill him? Or should I?”
Flash: “Dude, that’s not cool.”
Mr. Freeze: “Your freezer-themed humor is childish and insulting.”
Flash: “Do you ever get any oxygen in that helmet? Seriously.”

Woody: “Gosh, Mr. Lantern, you look like you’re in really good shape! Did you get that way just from practicing yoga?”
Green Lantern: “No, I just keep every single muscle in my body flexed at all times.”

Spiderman: “Hold for five to eight breaths . . . ”

Spiderman: ” . . . then come back up to standing, still holding your toe, and with your left arm raised high.”

Mr. Freeze: “You dastardly scoundrel, I have no left arm! Your foreign practice mocks amputees.”

Flash: “Don’t be a whiner, Frosty.”
Woody: “Don’t be a Don’t-Be, be a Do-Be!”
Green Lantern: “And here are my triceps.”

Spiderman: “And release and come back to standing, then get ready to do the same thing on the other side.”

Mr. Freeze: “I knew it! Spiderman is trying to disable us with his rigorous spiritual exercises.”
Flash: “The backwards leg? I don’t think that was supposed to happen.”
Woody: “I think he’s just incredibly flexible!”
Green Lantern: “I think I’m in love.”

Hello Kitty Yoga Bag. I’m speechless. Speechless at how cute this is!

I’m totally going to stop binding my mat with a bungee cord now that branded yoga accessories are finally here.

Also, I’m a wee bit jealous that I didn’t think of it first. I’m totally going to make a bootleg [...]]]>

Hello Kitty Yoga Bag. I’m speechless. Speechless at how cute this is!

I’m totally going to stop binding my mat with a bungee cord now that branded yoga accessories are finally here.

Also, I’m a wee bit jealous that I didn’t think of it first. I’m totally going to make a bootleg Hulk mat bag now.

[via Ashtanga News: Ashtanga Role Models for the Future: Live from Tokyo]

(We are not going to tell you how we came into possession of this bag except to warn you that you may be disappointed in our not-completely-vegetarian lifestyle. But [...]]]> We’re taking a short break from the hilarity that accompanies learning yoga from plastic action figures to show you a bag from not-our sponsor, McDonald’s:

(We are not going to tell you how we came into possession of this bag except to warn you that you may be disappointed in our not-completely-vegetarian lifestyle. But you must understand that the dietary needs of plastic superheros are different from yours.)

So, McDonalds! What’s up with this?

This bag contained a somewhat bland sandwich consisting primarily of ground-up cow.

You offer the cow flesh sandwich in a bag that has the image of a pretty American woman demonstrating yoga.

You believe that yoga is a healthy practice, and so you like to associate health with your cow flesh sandwiches.

Yoga is a practice that was developed in a country wherein cows are traditionally allowed to roam the streets and live their happy cow lives through to their natural ends, and not have their flesh end up between two bleached-flour buns and accompanied by fries and a Coke.

Also, the pretty American woman doing vrksasana, the tree pose? On a paper bag made of? Trees!

I’M LOVIN’ IT, MCDONALD’S! A++ FOR IRONY!